hey so you remember how i was super miserable super early this morning? im more miserable now! turns out i had more stuff to do today than i remembered. i had a meeting to discuss what school subjects i can do next year and dun dun da... nothing! literally nothing! i can do the basic bitch subjects that everyone can do, marine science, and shit fucking else. my english teacher thought itd be great to screw over the rest of my high school career because i did shittily on one, singular assignment. despite doing perfectly fine every other year and on every other assignment i cant do any ATAR subjects at all because im shit at math (expected) and because my english teacher hates me. and now i want to die a bit. i get that this isnt the only pathway to like every career but i don't feel any else stupid and im just. sooooooo fuckin close to doing it. i probably wont. if i get my english and maths grades up i should be ok but it feels like every fucking teacher at this school doesnt reeaaally want me to succeed because ive done relatively well on like most of this assignments but im still getting Cs for most subjects and it feels like nothing i do is gonna be good enough because it literally isn't. and i cant switch schools because every other online school is a shithouse and i cannot go back to mainstream and theyre all probably gonna be the same. and yeah. i think this is gonna make me miserable for the rest of the year like at least. i dont even think i did THAT bad on the one singular assignment, i mean yeah it was shit but i remember it being a C at least? and i did well on last terms exam so im just. yeah. very sick of everything.
im heavily considering unfollowing the artsy guy on instagram because every single time i see the motherfucker or remember he exists i get like irrationally angry and its not good for me probably not great for him so yeah. i dont really know what else to say. its weird to like physically feel the exact moment your entire life takes a massive downward turn. i know theres other career shit out there but i think im screwed.
first off id like to say that im typing this on mobile and this has genuinely got to be one of the most frustrating experiences of my entire html life. why are you teleporting? why are you mashing up words? what the fuck? anyways. onto how miserable i am. i want friends so bad i can like actively feel myself going into a very slippery incel hole. i was very slowly making friends with a cool artsy guy from school and he has just totally stopped interacting with me out of nowhere and I don't know what i did wrong. i mean if we were talking irl id kinda get it im not easy to physically speak with but we go to an online school and all of our contact has been through instagram. i thought i was doing a pretty good job personally i mean ive been mildly funny and i wasnt dry like at all so I've just been raking through our conversations in my head and im just like. so irrationally upset over this. i know its probably my fault in one way or another but ive been trying so hard to be interactive and whatever both online and at school but ive been fuckin bulldozed over and ignored like nearly every time and im so sick of everything. i know no ones doing it intentionally but all together its making me so resentful and paranoid of other people and i just feel so fucking miserable.
i feel like elliot rodgers typing this out but i am just so sick and fucking tired of pushing myself past my limits just to get ignored every single time. it might be easier to make friends as an adult which im hopeful about! but the problem is that i really need friends like Now and im about to lose my shit about it. if I keep going out on my own though it should work eventually, even if it doesn't maybe ill be a litttlle less anxious about being on my own which would also help. and maybe artsy guy is also a bit anxious and thats why he stopped interacting with me. now that im typing it out i don't think that's the case but i just have to be optimistic :-) i feel better now that ive typed everything put though. ill have to go back thru this in the morning because i genuinely cannot correct a single spelling mistake this is awful to type on. and i have to do math all tomorrow and im not excited. and other school stuff that I totally forgot about until right then fml
helloooooo i am back to updating the site. still havent figured out whats going one w/ the last.fm widget but the blog got a redesign! its simple but im pretty proud of it especially the menu area... im doing a new spacehey layout when im done with this and it will be very complicated so um i need something nice and simple first. after that for the rest of the school holidays im gonna learn how to draw! which will be exciting and also scary i have many many ocs in my head. im gonna make a list page on here for things i find interestings.
i went out on monday! which was ok. i got a book. nobody talked to me which was good cause i was not feeling social in the slightest. there werent many alternative people at all actually i usually see quite a few. peculiar. i dont know if ive mentioned him in other entries but i have a new (not really) friend. he sends me memes and we're in the same math class. ive been much much more social lately which is good but im also feeling like twice as lonely which is.... not good. making friends is a pain in the butt but im working on it. i gave myself a very shitty (its not bad like skill-wise but i hate it) haircut the other day which is making me feel incredibly dysphoric but im gonna grow my hair out a bit so i can get a nice professional cool haircut. i want a boyfriend like really fucking bad. ive also decided i dont reeeaally wanna go into radiology/oncology cause my grades are too shite. maybe forensic/criminal psychology or history? not sure. i was gonna mention something else (about coming out plans maybe?) but i forgot what it was. baaaiiiii
ok so um i updated the homepage AND the about me page. so im not going to update for a bit bcus looking at this stupid thing makes me irrationally angry i legit genuinely CANNOT HANDLE IT!!! i have the fix the lastfm widget AND the visited link and ugh i dont wanna at all this is so stupid and lame its stressing me out. so no real updates for a bit but maybe some new blog entries idontevenknow. i had other things to say but i forgot what it was.
i am preparing myself for another solo outside trip in the upcoming months but first before the outsiding i have to 1. work out more and 2. buy some stuff and idk several other things. and i have to wait for the boot straps i ordered to get here (the shipping was more than the fucking straps these things better last me a LIFETIME!!!!) and im gonna dye my hair teal/pink so yeah. maybe teal/purple. i dont know. dont even know.
i want to be cool but i cant. i made a friend on thursday and he goes to shows and stuff and i am so jelly because i cant even. my mother would NOT let me and ugh yeah it sucks. but its ok but cause i can spend this year maximising my coolness and then next year i make friends and be cool and stuff so heres my plan: -get bunch of piercings -enlargen the band shirt collection -get more money -2026 -start testosterone -go to gym -go to shows and stuff somewhere along the way i learn hair tinsel
also stuff is ok with best friend she was busy with school and stuff we're ok now. yay :3
i am..... not feeling great. no sir. its school holidays now at least so i can not feel great while im not in school. so thats neat. i think the gender dysphoria(?) is hitting me hard. i dont wanna be trans and its making me feel gross in my body and blargh it sucks. w/ the current state of the world and even a mild chance of fucking trump lite getting in its really a god awful time to be trans and im just... not excited. and i don't know how accepting my families gonna be like. they wont hate me but im gonna get some shit from them and yeah. not feeling great about it. i cant really see myself growing up as a lady though so idk ill just have to learn how to accept it. im going out as a dude on thursday soooo.... maybe thatll help? and im kinda excited for all the gay dude things i can do when im over 18. so it wont be so bad i guess
i still feel good about the radiology thing though! i might go into queer health or something but right now im like 99% sure i wanna go into the health field. and other then today i dont think my mental health is TOO bad? like im relapsing more frequently but its not cause im upset so. i need to keep an eye out though cause my mentals usually get shitty around this time of year but hey im good now so lets just focus on now. yay
i am so sleepy. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sleepy. i have a haircut on friday and i think after that im kind of officially Boy. which is a bit scary. but you know whats even scarier. fucking career planning. i have NO idea what i wanna do like. mortician would be awesome but everything is gross and its much more conserative then other industries so tattoos + piercings are a no and i dont wanna be in a job where i cant express myself. and i really really wanna be a historian slash archivist or whatever and itd be so awesome and id love it but the job market is just so god fucking awful and idk how much id get paid. im kinda leaning towards radiology (oncology or pediatric to be specific) but i have to LOCK IN massively next year and take mathematical methods which like ?? what does that even mean and i need an atar of 99.90 and then like several years of med school. but id also get paid a shit ton and the job market is great so. i mean it doesnt sound so bad now that im writing it down but like i cant even pay attention to school now so. maybe ill talk to parents/therapist about that because its becoming like an Issue. so yeah. probably radiology
in site news i reworked the index page so thats neat! im proud of it its a bit plain but i like it :-) im working on a homepage revamp now i just have to figure out how like grids n stuff work. which will be difficult to figure out but i need to up my html/css skillz cause i can maybe put them on job applications. i dont know if itll like help but its neat at least. after i rework the homepage + about me i think ill start working on my other super duper secret site thats a SECRET!!!!!!!!!!! hopefully i will work on that during the school holidays which is very soon like a day or two. ive been kinda going off genshin a bit (before anyone judges i do not willingly interact with the fandom or spend money on it, im just here for capitano) but im still saving so. idk. ill code during the day and play game at night maybe.
clubs are starting again at school next term which will be neat!!!! im joining pride club again and i ended up joining the debate/politics club! which is a bit spooky because i dont wanna debate only politics but i will manage. and next year im gonna take an academic writing course thingy at a uni i like (and will hopefully be going to when im older) and i might do a health course if i manage that! i have to start working on my grades next term though cause i need like Bs and above and i usually get Bs and Cs so. and idk how long i need Bs so ill work on that next term i think. anyways i can't think of anything else i need to write sooooooo. bai
hellloooo ahahahahahah havent not updated in... a while. but in my defense i had no idea what else to add (still dont) and it was school holidays so i could not gaf.... website updating may take a backseat for a little while but ill still check neocities... i have soooooo many things to talk about first off its my BIRTHDAY tomorrow and ill offically kind of be in my mid teens (i think i already was but whatever new age is more in the middle) so that will be fun!! we're going to wahlburgers on the weekend and i will be complaining about mark wahlberg (my mortal enemy) the whoooooollle time. im also going to KNOTFEST WOOOOOOO im soooo excited to see slipknot + health + vended live and everyone else will be very cool too. theres other concert stuff im upset (missed the first mr bungle concert in QLD in 24 years... by a MONTH. and mike patton has a personal vendetta against QLD in general) but im veryvery excited i have to start working on my battle jacket!!!!!!!!! im also going out on my own more often and dressing how i wanna so thats fun. i always get really freaked by the end of it but its good for me anyways! and im hopefully going to get a job this year idk when exactly bcus my mum wants to go to tasmania this year but hopefully that gets sorted out soon. and i wanna learn guitar so um idk ill figure it out
and onto the other thing(s) i wanted to yap about. I Think I Might Be A Man....!!! ive had feelings like this for 3ish years now but ive only thought really hard and consistently about them recently? its kind of back and forth but idk. my current plan is i will go out as a man a few times and see how i feel but ummmm idk i will figure it out. i guess. and im relatively sure im into guys i think? i might even be into men only full stop but i will have to figure it out later i have more important things to think really hard about. all is chill
hello. im BORED!!!!!!!! site updates are halted mildly as i am bored. and at the moment this is about as far as my css skillz go so idk maybe ill have to learn. i should probably finish the archer shrine but its such a pain in the ass and a good chunk of the content is dependent on me figuring out how to draw so this will be...... a while. i might take a little library trip and hangout there while i figure out how to code. so expect a layout revamp like next year probably.
i am also thinking a lot about. climate change. and i am FREAKED. was not thinking about it much before but yeah now its the only thing on my mind rn. and not having many friends yaknow thats not helping either. like theres people my age drinking and maybe doing the unmentionables and im kicking my legs writing a fucking blog entry ..... like idk the blogs pretty cool but what if i wanna be fucked up in a different way. maybe god cursed me with no social skills becus id be doing drugs and things if i had them. but now i cant do stuff (now or in the future) because i freak out about eye contact and talking to people. whhhaat. what do i do. therapy. maybe. that seems to be the solution.
hi again :D i havent been doing much tbh...... i had the last week of school off cus my mums in austria.... and my dads visiting from sydney tmrw so thats pretty cool :3 idk what we're gonna do since itll just be me + dad + little sister (mums fucked off and nan's gonna hang out w/ family for a bit) so... idk. maybe ill see what dendys got on.....
anyways. for website plans i HAVE to actually get started on the archer shrine.... then i may start a webring...... then if i ever get started on that ill do the slipknot fansite i was thinking about (the shrine is NOT ENOUGH !!!!!!!) then i think when ive done shrine n webring i reapply to the autistic webring because (didnt have enough pages last time cause im a dickhead) so timeline is shrine -> webring -> autists online -> fansite.....
cut (deep one) is healing well... i havent cut since because that was TERRIFYING and also i run out of proper bandages and theres no way in hell im using normal bandaids for ts noooooo thank u.... im gonna grab like the wrap ones next time i go down to the store.. i might go down today but idk
went to the gold coast show on saturday! i got a miffy showbag, miku figure + one of those popmart figures, annd a comic of the crow :-) havent watched the movie just yet so i should probably get on that... i also got a fuckton of cotton candy which was cool. whole thing was very very overstimulating so i was a bit bitchy but i also went on ghost train ride. which was ok plastic curtains touching my hair was more spooky.
on a shittier note i have like.... ten million things due. math draft was due last wednesday english draft is due today science is due wednesday and i dont even KNOW or care about design tech atm. whats with setting ten million things due on the same day wtf. and im missing out on connect day next week cause my mums fucking off to austria next wk for work stuff..... aaghhhhh. i have pride club today which is.. ok. ive missed the last few meetings so i kinda have to go to this one which like meh. hopefully i dont fail allllll my classes
ummm i should probably preface this by saying I Have A Self Harm Problem. started when i was ten going strong until last year (when i got clean). was clean for a year before june/july when i relapsed. and holy fucking shit...... i hit styro. it was disgusting. i dont know. i feel nauseous even thinking about it and i nearly puked last night. i couldnt take care of it probably last night (did put bandaid + antiseptic, couldnt clean it or anything) because honest to god i couldnt even look at it. i dont know. i feel weird. absolutely no way in hell am i EVER going that deep again jfc i cannot handle it
anyways... for good news its my dads birthday today! :D hes gonna come visit (sydney --> gold coast where i am) and im excited i think :3 and my cousin-ish visited on sunday so i did like a whole human-interactiong thing.... pretty cool hehe
we got a puppy yesterday !!!!! :D her names pepper. shes about 8 weeks or so :3 her mum is my aunts dog so.... cool! :D heres a phototoe:
photos a bit old but shes so cute eeeeeeee.... anyways i FINALLY got some reading done yesterday, read up to chapter 3 on earthlings and a bit of goodnight punpun.... yayyyyy :3 this weekend im gonna go to southport n see ghost in the shell 2: innocence in theatres!! because dendys awesome..... and im gonna try play room no. 9 on friday or so bc ive been putting it off since last term LOL.... anyways idk what else 2 say bai :3
hello !!!! my first ever blog entry.... so excited. idk what 2 write though.,,,
umm for starters im thinking about making an archer and/or slipknot fansite. which is a bit silly considering i havent even started the shrines...... so i should probably do that first. blah blah blah ummm i dont think im doing anything this weekend aand my teacher just got here. soooo. bai :3
